stream of consciousness – Allyson Proulx

Cover your crotch, or (What I Don’t Understand, Writing PTSD Pt.1).

My goodness. Pages, you have to save me today.

I need saving today. I need a friend. I need a mother. I need a father. I need sisters. I need a brother. I am in need today. You have to save me.

Do you understand? Relationships are the hardest thing. To let someone in. Close. I am sitting with strangers because this is the only open seat in the place.

I am a witch. I am a priestess. I am an earthen angel. I use talismans. I am part of the divine because I am part of creation. You are not denied your spirituality. The earth serves us all. That is grace. You are held by grace right now. Keep going. Admit you were wrong. Place the blame where it belongs.

I am in a storytelling workshop. Kids on wheels. These pages will save me. The magic and curiosity. A full page of feelings and curiosity. Be curious. You are a witch. You are an angel. A moon maiden. Powerful and abundant. Communicate with who you need to. Feel better. Be a witch and an angel. Relationships are hard; even with the best of them.

I’m learning how hurt and abused my thoughts have become, my understanding of love and intimacy. How hurt. How screwed over. The truth. In tar-like shame. My goodness. I love you Allyson. A high five to everyone I love, to everyone who longs to love me. To those I long to love and those who long to love me. I am beautiful and deserving. I am worthy and wealthy. Abundant.

Being in relationship is one of those things.

I love coffee. I love sitting in this cafe, writing. Do not let yourself be lead astray. You walked away. Be drawn by the silent pull of what you truly love. It will not lead you astray. I am a witch. I am an earthen angel. I am here to write. Pages, my favourite place. Everyday this is what I come here to feel. It doesn’t matter where I am, only that I feel safe and in community. Alone together.

How many different ways can you write words. In all sorts of ways. You are inspiring. You are a witch, and goddess too. Belong to where you belong.

I showered. That was a good first step. Wash dishes. Eat food.

I moved tables. To be alone and face out. To have my back to the room, with a window before me. Look around. Comfort and right action are all around you. The world is changing. Your life is never stagnant. Get out of that child despair. That is the gravy, the tar, it will weigh you down. We are all safe and free. Belong and be yourself. We are all safe and free. You and me. Don’t worry. You don’t need to do anything to belong. You are made just as you should be.

Your soul knew what was up before your mind did. Or your body. Your soul is prepared for this journey. Your soul is prepared for this journey. Always has been.

The shame is everywhere. Over everything. What a nasty place to visit. And visit I must. It is a place and not the present moment. It is a feeling and feelings pass. I can be loved. You can be loved. Sia. That song. Do I have it? Yes. And now it’s playing. You will be loved. I believe it. I believe in you. I believe what there is to believe. I believe my heart.

It’s hard to decipher lies from someone I love. It’s hard to disagree with them. Figuring out all the lies I was told by the people I love the most. It’s as close to home as it gets.

I don’t want to sit. I understand what is going on. I can be self-aware. And I can be loved for it. I am a witch. I am an earthen angel. I am moonbeam and starlight. I am found in the night sky. Early morning. Light does not…wake up in darkness. What kind of early morning ritual could you get done. Could this be the thing that gets me going. I am going to tell my story. I will begin. Bare my soul. Believe I am safe.

I got my phone out and now I’ve been sidetracked. This is what healing looks like. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them. I can be loving and strong. I can be loving and boundaried. I can be loving and safe. I can be loving and loved.

Are you ready to go home? Listen to podcasts. Listen to voices of love and wisdom.

I don’t understand wearing just tights. How can you let them know where your crotch is? Cover your crotch. Make a daily series. Understanding PTSD. Healing the trauma. What I don’t understand. What makes me curious. Where it hurts. I love you. ❤

I am going to keep writing. One more page. Being here feels better than going home. There is no rush. All good things come in time. Your desires come to be, in time. Your life is unfolding as it should.

Relationship = alienation, hurt. Love = being ignored/judged from afar.

It’s creepy and it freaks me out. Bless my heart. And bless yours too. All the best to you. Learn to trust one another. I love you. You are the best. You belong here. You belong to each other. You are mine and I am yours. Amen. Hallelujah.

Baby baby believe in me. Believe. The ink won’t move if the words don’t come out true. How does the letter form? What can you put through? Believe me. Believe in you. This is the best spot. Right where you are. To fully actualize. Be. Inhabit your own life. I’m not searching after anyone else.

I want this page done. I want to get out of here now.

This is the bomb. I am sacred. I am loved. I am the grace and energy of stardust and moonbeams. Stardust and moonbeams. Believe in me. I belong to you. ❤

In Transit: Route 16 (Adelaide)

In Transit

Bus Route 16: Adelaide (Northbound)

Time: 8:24pm

Starting Location: Adelaide at Dundas

Song: Ohio – Neil Young

Bus Rt.16 Pic4

Bus Rt.16

Aug. 8

This is it. I’m on this damn bus. I did it. I’m doing it. I can do this. this is happening. I am happening. it’s all happening. life. you know. you know. Going up Adelaide. just passed Ryan Machan sitting on his front porch. I looked up just in time. I know that house. I’ve been there before. Oxford. the bus just filled up. The bus driver didn’t understand. he gave me a bit of a hard time. he doesn’t understand. this is a good thing. nothing but good can come of this. a woman going after her dreams. documenting her life. nothing but good. that’s what this is. I’m on the bus. the guys sitting in front of me keep looking over, looking at my page. I catch them. that’s ok. look away. no. I mean don’t look away. I want you to see what is happening too. I want you to know you are witnessing art in the process. it’s all around you. even on the bus, going home at the end of your day. this is a longer bus ride I think. I can cool it on the writing. 2 hours is a long time to write, six pages is a lot of words to read. I get it. I know. I’m right here. I know. this is the first trip people are looking at me and smiling. another passenger just did it before he got off. the look back smile. hi there. hi. ha. 8:37pm. I’m pretty proud of myself for writing this legibly on the

back of a moving bus. you get it. do you understand the creative energy. the force of creation. do you understand the way the world works. respect. I have to take some pics before the sun goes down…my battery is low. this trip is very impromptu. meaning, I know I wanted to do this do all day today, but when I looked at the time, once all those day things got done, I had 10 minutes to catch the bus. a child just got on the bus. 4, maybe. he’s sitting by himself beside me…his mother is two seats up — a little independence — Ah! ha. good. I like the energy of children. they don’t give a shit. and neither do I. we’re just doing our thing. I am not a child. I am not a child. they are other than me. they are other than me. there may be many children coming into my life. many and just one. I hope so. we’re sitting at Masonville Mall. it’s been a few minutes now. 8:48pm. I wonder if the wr rhythm of my writing changes when we begin to move. oh fuck. ha. just turned the bus off. what. not sure what is happening. it’s running again. anywho. sing it Neil. Tin soldiers. this summer I hear the drum. this summer I hear the drum. please let me keep writing. let me always remember the page is where I can come to feel safe. ~~I will never betray myself here.~~ I will never betray myself here. here we go again. the bus is moving. the child is back with his mother. attachment is strong. this is what I’m looking at. this is what I look like. are the words confusing. If I don’t keep my head down and writing the words get away from me. the more

Bus Rt.16 Pic2

you do, the easier it is to do. the bus is filling back up. Wendy’s take out. french fries. I am on this bus. I am sitting in the back. pen in hand. book out. writing. a weird sight to be sure these days. I never wanted to be like everyone else. though. I know I am not the only one doing this th exact thing, in the world. someone, many others, are out there. I hope to be around more of them someday. someplace else. on another bus, or train, or tram, in someother city, country, land. I hope so. I call that into my life right now. In Transit. take me places. so I don’t feel so stuck. when I do feel stuck. take me places. the sky is a dark electric blue now. the light is dimming. I am on this bus. I am doing it. right now. my life is happening right now. this is how I choose to spend it. I chose to get on this bus on this Tuesday night. there is no need. there is no one asking me to. I choose. and I can stay right here, in this seat, writing, until I get back off right where I got on. a changed woman. more powerful. each time I do this. everyone that heard me talking to the bus driver is off the bus, we’re back to being ignored. ha. so be it. Adelaide & Grosvenor (Southbound). What is the point of anything, if not what we do with it. I look at signs along the road. words, font, type. it gets me. I get it. weirdo. so be it. this bus ride is enjoyable. and we’re back to Dundas & Adelaide, opposite side of the street now, Southbound. Starting the latter loop on this journey. and the bus empties, and fills back

up with…only 8 of us now. this will be a quieter loop I imagine. but really, I have no idea, and I don’t care. it doesn’t affect me, only something to be perceived. I am loopy. it has been a long day. but you did good. skunk. you did good today. got some work done. creative work. went to the park. packed a picnic, put a blanket and all my books in my bag. spent the afternoon. and now I’m writing again. if I write everyday, all day, with my surroundings changing throughout, I’d be happy. I am happy. this is my work. this is what makes me happy. this is where I feel at peace. even when it’s hard. even when the words are hard (I write hard words to write sometimes). I know they can’t betray me here. I know what is just practice, what is truth, what to forget, what too is faith and desire. I know what I want. I know what I desire. I know how to get it. I know how to keep going. I know how to forgive. I know when to listen. what the sound of my own voice sounds like. I know. should I try french braids in my hair sometime? hmm. maybe. I’ll try it. try it. try it. I want to try it. all of it. every option. no. that’s not true. I only want to try the things that will keep me growing. but I want to try all of those things. *smiley face*. try all the things. I am fun. I am funny. I am a great pal. adventurer. as long as I have a good home to come home to, I can venture pretty far. that’s always been the case. we are passing highbury, on commissioners now. 9:25pm. I’m writing lots. but it feels good. it feels right. keep going. keep writing. keep riding. then go home. go home and relax.

I think we’re in Pondmills now. a subdivision. I am going to keep writing. I am going to see what comes of it. what comes out. have I written anything of substance. I doubt it. but right now I don’t care. there must be something there for it to feel this good. some truth. some truth. some truth. I am the only one on the bus now. oh wait! I didn’t see him. hey there. we are on this bus together. how do you know about my website? how do you know to come here to read these? I hope these pages take me somewhere. let me experience more of the world. more of my own land. let me go, and see, and experience. and write about it all. I am beautiful. and loving and smart and creative and sexy and imaginative and strong and courageous. I am. I’ve been through my fair share in this life. my fair share. I’m living it right now. my fair share. the ink stain on my left pinky is huge, and my hand is cramping. I write on. I’ll take a picture of my hand but I need the bus to stop moving. my phone is going to be full of bus pictures and videos soon, replacing all the pictures of paper that are usually on here. ha. paper and cards. we’re coming back along commissioners now. 9:40pm. I can do this. I hope you can do this. I hope you’re still reading. did you get here. all the way ~~don~~ down here. I’m here. this is where I am. loving, goofy, me. trying. writing. letting go. loving. calling. making shit happen. allow it all to happen.

every last thing. every single dream. I see you. I’m gonna let you take shape. take up space. move in. move into my life. into my house. into my head. my heart. my bed. I call you to me. you’ll find me working. loving. laughing. writing. sleeping. and dreaming. maybe tending the garden or at the stove. we’re almost done this trip. thank you bus driver. thank you LTC. thank you fellow passengers. thank you Creative Spirit. thank you Neil Young. thank you iphone. I need a picture of the bus sign. a bus stop sign. yeah we have a bit more to go. it’s dark now. I’m afraid of missing my stop and getting kicked off by the driver. it won’t happen. I know where I am. I’m right here. I’m right here. and I’m thankful for you. thank you for reading this. thank you for taking this journey with me. thank you for paying attention as I am ‘in transit’. from here to here to here. thank you. I love you. you are beautiful. you are magical. you are generous. you are courageous. you are loving. you are capable. you are free. just coming up to Horton. almost there. almost home. almost free. keep going. do what you have to do. it must be done. you can do. you are doing it right now. be this person. be the person you want to be. create the life, ask for the life you want to live. more children just entered. sitting right beside me now. ha. welcome. I’m getting off soon. my hand is tired and I am done. this was good. this was a good session. over the bridge. almost home. my goodness. I love you. you are beautiful. keep going. this is it. you’re doing it. ♥ 9:57pm

Bus Rt.16 Pic6

In Transit: Bus Rt. 20

In Transit

(Pages)

July 24, 2017

Bus: Route 20, Westbound

Time: 4:28pm-6:29pm

Starting Point: Dundas St. (@ English St.)

Song: Done by Frazey Ford

In Transit July 24 PG 1 In Transit July 24 PG 2

In Transit pics

this is it. this is the beginning. a first one. I’m on the bus. I’ve cleared it with the driver that I can ride one full cycle on this bus, getting off just a bit further, at the library (Dundas and Clarence). I’m gonna try. I’m doing it. writing pages on this trip. for a blog post. scan ’em, and post ’em. listening to one song, as I do, the whole way around. I want to write something of substance. what is that quote? write one thing of substance everyday. let’s try this. you’ll see how my head rolls and chimes out the same sentences over and over. You’ll know I’m on a bus. the people sitting around me, on this bus will change the whole way through. the scenery. me and this page and this pen will stay right here. put. I want to write something of substance. we’re stopped on the street. in front of the moose and the bear and the wolf. they send ~~their~~ spirit and medicine with me on this journey. I can write much more considerately than I can talk. and that’s the problem. that’s the obstacle I aim to overcome. to appease. I’ll start on the page, in hand written notes I pass to you, in letters I write through the mail, in text messages, instant messaging, and email…it’ll come out of my mouth eventually. all that love I have trapped in my throat. is it as simple as that. I’ve been practicing. speaking up. speaking out. it feels weird. every time right now. every time. I’ll keep trying. new language. new words. ~~new message~~. focused message. phrases. syntax. new ways. li ~~new~~. like ‘I don’t want you to…’.

like…other things too. I can’t think of them. I’m writing. It is now 4:45. we’re on Riverside, just west of Wharncliffe. I am on the bus. this is happening. no one seems to notice me. no one cares what I am doing. freedom. I can sit here, and write, and exude gold light from my body, and everyone only just gets to receive it. I ~~take~~ require nothing of their energy in return. this is an act of giving. to myself. and to others. I start a lot of sentences with and. and i don’t use capitals at the beginning of my sentences. this is a writing practice. this is a writing practice. I could slow down and stare out the window a while. ok. I will. I’m on this bus for the duration. I can write and stare and listen and observe. and allow it to unfold. allow. let. I’m so fucking sick of this. that’s what is written on the back of the seat in front of me. a woman in a wheelchair was just told by the bus driver she would have to wait for the next bus because, I don’t know why (I couldn’t hear that part with my headphones in). It makes me think of accessibility and mobility and if I just witnessed an example of how that needs work in my city. I just went off on a tangent in my mind. to katy. and what I want to say to her. how I want to punch it out. all those demons telling me I’m stupid for making myself vulnerable. that I can’t do this. fuck that. fuck them. I can so. I can do this. I’m doing it. right now. navigate your direction. get on the bus that takes you where you want to go. and ride it. ride the fucking bus. get it done. forward motion.

In Transit pic3

stop being held back. tell your sadness and your grief – my joy takes nothing from you. there are only six of us on the bus right now. we’re on Beaverbrook. almost the end (?) of this route, before we begin going back where we came from. the turning point. may it be so. I’ve cleaned a few of the houses in this neighbourhood. from my molly maid days. …and then there were two. this bus driver likes to use the overhead speaker (thank you for riding, excuse me ladies and men and gentlemen, there is construction up ahead. ~~and~~ I’m going on a detour), and his horn. I am the only one on the bus now. 5:14pm. I’m loving this. what a ride. I get to write. I get to write. I get to write wherever I want. I can ride all over the city. go places, literally, as I write. I can go places. I can go places. I can go places. I’m going places. I hope to write my whole way along. every place I go. write it down. I’m pregnant. oh shit. that’s not true. ha. fuck. I’m just transitioning into motherhood. you know, it’s a stage of life. from maiden to mother. it’s beautiful. it’s full of wisdom and listening. observing and putting into action. discarding and walking away. walking towards. quietly. with ease. let go. let go. let go. I am ok writing this. this is how I feel. this is how I am experiencing my life. I feel a shift. I feel it. I’m becoming it. I got this. this is going to work. I am focused. it can unfold. I know what I want. I am creative. I can handle it. I can make beautiful things from it. we have been sitting here for a very long time now. I’m ready to get moving again. 5:23pm (~~across from~~ between Rona & west

london alliance church). there’s the swiss ~~cal~~ chalet. we’re moving now. there’s jaime’‘s apartment building. I’m on the move now. this is an experiment. trying new things. new means of expression. new parameters. same path I’ve traveled a hundred times. fresh. new. I can do this. I can live my life. I can be happy. I can grow. I can create. I can envision a life for me, and make it happen. I’ve got my mind st set on you…the bus begins to fill back up. 4 of us. I’m no on it now. the bus. riding the circuit. this is really happening. my goodness. remember write something of substance. remember ~~the~~ Bear and Moose and Wolf. what should I write. what is of substance. here. on this page. on this bus, along this street, within this city, situated on this land, as part of this land mass. we are travelers here. we are travelers. I am a traveler. on this land, in this life. traveling. a traveler. that is what Soul speaks to me now. wisdom. Bear Moose Wolf. I am a crab. and a turtle. Crab Turtle. he is Dinosaur Raven. ha. fuck. Eagle. Hawk. Bird of ~~the~~ Sky. language is so fucking important. teach me your language. let me understand. I am learning my own language too. the language of Allyson Proulx. lefty smudges. committed, compassionate, questioning, vulnerable, fun, funny, silly, kooky, paced, timed, timeless. timed and timeless. my goodness. it’s almost over. we’re at Wharncliffe and Riverside. no. I want to ride it around going the other way too. yes I do.

I forgot about that. 5:40pm. yes. this is what I want to do. to loop. the whole loop. we have to reach the other end (?) point and return once more. again. to the starting point. and then a little bit further, to the library. I am committed. I will treat myself with an ice cream when I am done this. job well done. we are at Dundas & Richmond (heading east). the bus will continue to fill up. seats changing bums on the regular. like coming and going. errands being run. work done, heading home for the night. I am on this bus. I asked permission. I am getting it done. I am doing it. art. fuck. writing. projects. love. choices. love. I mean it. I’m sick of feeling sick. I’m sick of acting sick. I’m sick of choosing sick. I think this loop is the shorter of the two. I live closer to the east end. I live in the east end. the bus is full again and someone is back sitting beside me. I am self conscious they will try to read this page (silly, I’m going to post it publicly). and conscious of not wanting them to be distracted/attentive to me. let me be. let me be. let me be. I let you be. 5:49pm. gold glow. gold glow. gold glow. you got this. I’m almost back to my house. opposite side of the street. this loop is unfamiliar to me. I think I’ve ridden it once. to the grocery store at Oxford and Highbury. the grocery store is a food basics I believe. I’m on this bus. I’m doing this. riding past where I began. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest is a comedy because it has to be. you can’t tell that story without humour. what’s the quote? ~~you~~ if you’re

going to tell the truth, be funny, or they’ll kill you. they might kill you anyway. they’ll try. tell the story anyway. be funny. 6:03pm. we’re at the food basics. it’s almost time to turn around. the ride is in it’s last leg. last leg of the inaugural journey. I have begun. I am no longer who I used to be. step one. step again. we’re at Fanshawe. stopped for a long time again. I’m hungry. I brought an apple but then ate it while waiting for the bus. I’m going to write this page and then I’m done. this was a lot longer than I had originally thought. partly b/c I forgot ~~about~~ to visualize this leg of the journey. I didn’t see myself here. I didn’t see. I didn’t see it. blindsided. I can’t say never again. I will ‘fail’ again. things will happen. I will make choices that are hard to live through. in the aftermath, leading up to. 6:24pm. it’s how I live through it. it’s how I learn and live my life after it. defining characteristics. I am grateful for this time. I am glad I have begun. I am thankful for muses and creative spirit. thank you Bear and Moose and Wolf. thank you London Transit. thank you bus driver (he hasn’t honked his horn in a long time). Back to my original stop! 6:27pm. Two hours. my goodness. I did it. It feels good. I love you. you are beautiful. this works. you work. I’m on my way to the library. type this up. Big sister it up. scan it up. post it up. live it up. love it up. write it up. love it up. go get ’em. you are beautiful. love. ♥ 6:29pm